The Judas Kiss
by Rainbow Jesus
Summary: Is Judas who everyone says he is? How about the Apostles? And how does Jesus fit in? Find out the story behind mankind's greatest betrayal.


Once upon a time, all those dumb fucks that followed Jesus's ass around Israel gathered to discuss how to write the gospels. See, they were kicking their asses back in the Bahamas, enjoying a fine retirement with enough pleasurable company to sate the Pope. Jesus was long dead, crucified and all, and they had already used their association with his black ass to procure fame and fortune. There was bone they had left to pick with the dead man, though, and, no, it wasn't his crack addiction (they found a million dollar stash stuck up his ass when they rifled through his carcass on the cross—they became off it and thought it might be a bit hypocritical (I wonder why it phased them, and soon you will as well)). It was his homosexuality, his love of Judas.

So anyways, one day they were doing this kicking back stuff, and they had the following conversation:

"Hey, let's go get our asses stoned off that meth Lazarus is selling!" said Dumb Fuck 1.

"Damn, man, I hear these zombies got dynamite shit! Where they get it at?" said Dumb Fuck 2.

"From beyond the grave, LOL!" said Dumb Fuck 4, cuz Dumb Fuck 3 was too intoxicated to speak anything but tongues (by the way, just so you know, he had said "kulashepadada" in a sepulchral voice somewhere between Dumb Fuck 1 and Dumb Fuck 2).

"Heaven or hell, man? That's what my ass can't figure around," Dumb Fuck 5 joined in, slurping his spiked vodka and checking out this hot bitch further down the beach.

"Heaven, dude! That crazy motherfucker…you know, Jesus's pops…what the fuck was his name?" Dumb Fuck 2 trailed off in consternation.

The Dumb Fucks exchanged stumped glances, except for Dumb Fuck 3, who said sagely, "Ushabukarah."

"What the fuck that nigger saying? Damn," said Dumb Fuck 6.

"Forget that, what the fuck was the big man's name?" Dumb Fuck 2 cut in impatiently. "It's got me."

"Hells if I know," Dumb Fuck 6 growled, an acerbic glare he aimed at Dumb Fuck 2.

"I dunno, maybe God?" Dumb Fuck 11 interjected, a light bulb springing out the top of his head. He glanced up in irritation. "Damn, that stuff always messes up my hair!"

" That's the man! Yeah, he runs a good establishment I hear from the voices in my head. Damn, my ass forgot for a second. Do you think these drugs might affect my noodles?"

"What the fuck you mean, your dick?" Dumb Fuck 10 queried, who was in the middle of wanking off into Dumb Fuck 3's tequila.

"My brain, dumbass!" Dumb Fuck 2 ejaculated verbally.

"That ain't important, man," Dumb Fuck 5 opined. "The cock is what matters." He continued to ogle the beach babe. Then he turned to Dumb Fuck 3. "Hope you don't mind if I borrow your heroin—it's been a ponderous five minutes since I last shot my ass up."

"Rusullarcha!!" Dumb Fuck 3 responded. Or was it just coincidence that he said it at the right time?

"Okay man, I take that as a yes," Dumb Fuck 5 said, prising 3's mouth open and reaching inside for the secret stash within the fake tooth. Just as he found it, Dumb Fuck 3 clamped his teeth down and bit hard. Dumb Fuck 5 shrieked in pain and his blood coated the sand.

"Damn, cool your ass down!" squealed Dumb Fuck 5. "Somebody help me!"

All nine of the Dumb Fucks crowded around the two to rescue their fellow Dumb Fuck from the other Dumb Fuck, except Dumb Fuck 8, who watched for a while.

"Man, this shit's better than Cable," he said, and after a while he got up. "But man, that must hurt like a bitch. Better solve this superhero style."

Dumb Fuck 8 took a coconut and cracked it down over Dumb Fuck 3's head. He passed out cold and Dumb Fuck 5 escaped his clutches.

Dumb Fuck 7 backed away quickly as blood spurted from 5, but all the others except for the wounded one scrambled for their intravenous needles and the coveted heroin inside Dumb Fuck 3's mouth. It was all gone by the time Dumb Fuck 5 came around.

"Man, it's all gone?" Dumb Fuck 5 lamented.

"First come, first serve!" Dumb Fuck 9 shouted from behind him, cackling with glee.

"What the fuck you complaining about?" Dumb Fuck 7 asked, disgusted. "I didn't get none either, but I don't want none of it either. That fucker's got AIDS. He shares needles with Jesus's mom, and we all know that fucking ho's gotta be HIV positive!"

"Damn, if I'd have known that, I wouldn't have banged her last night!" Dumb Fuck 10 cursed.

"Shit, man, you should know nothing good ever comes from fucking that bitch. Last time I did it, she got preggers, and baby Jesus popped out. Man, it's a damn good thing that sucker Joseph took her in. That fucker was fucking retarded! Who fuck believes any woman's a virgin, leastways a preggers one? I thank his retarded ass with all my heart, though. I couldn't have afforded that damn child with all them taxes Hared was levering and all!" Dumb Fuck 9 said.

"Hold your ass right, there, motherfucker!" Dumb Fuck 2 interrupted. "You mean to say God ain't Jesus's actual, factual dad?"

"Hell, no! Who the fuck would believe that BS?" Dumb Fuck 1 scoffed.

"Yeah, that father shit, it's a joke among us stoners. Too much LSD and a Star Wars marathon and that's what you get. And it survived, cuz, well, it sells well in the tabloids."

"Whoa man, I'd forgotten that night. I knew this shit was affecting my brain!" Dumb Fuck 2 replied, amazed.

"Let's get back to reality, bitches," Dumb Fuck 6 interjected. "To shoot up, or not to shoot up, that is the question."

They all looked down at their needles, poised and ready to go.

"What the hell, man!" Dumb Fuck 4 said. "I got two things—count 'em, two—to say to you. First off, no one gives a flying fuck what your black ass says, and second off, you don't go from god to Shakespeare in the blink of an eye."

"Who the fuck thought of that saying, anyways? I blinked at least five times afore that man spoke his ass up. And anyways, aren't Shakespeare and god the same person?" Dumb Fuck 9 brought up.

"Who the fuck you been talking to, man, an English teacher?" Dumb Fuck 8 said. "Heh, fucking noob!"

"I ain't talked to nobody but you guys!" Dumb Fuck 9. "Well, you and Jonah."

"Jonah's a fucking dumbass," Dumb Fuck 8 said dismissively. "Who the fuck goes through a goddamn fucking whale and brags about it? I wouldn't brag about being walking whale shit!"

"Excuse me, guys, but I think my negro Dumb Fuck 6 brought up a valid point," Dumb Fuck 1 interrupted. "To shoot up or not to shoot up, that IS most definitely the goddamn question."

They all shut the fuck up and thought for a minute, except for number 3, who had woken up while his comrades were bitching about Shakespeare or some shit. He had drunk the cocktail of tequila and cum and had gone back to his mumbling self. For those interested, he said something to the effect of, "Murabashasha."

Finally, Dumb Fuck 11 spoke up reasonably. "Hell, man, I don't think this AIDS shit matters. We got centuries till we've gotta worry about that."

"Maybe that shit don't matter when you've got the heroin all ready to go up your ass and give you the happies," Dumb Fuck 5 cut in plaintively.

"Fuck, man, we're already beyond our time!" Dumb Fuck 7 said. "Where the fuck you think all these sweetass drugs come from?"

"I don't know, our father above?" Dumb Fuck 4 suggested. He shrugged.

Dumb Fuck 5 stole Dumb Fuck 10's heroin and needle in desperation. "Yo, finish this fucking argument already. I need to shoot up. So what if I get AIDS? I'll just put a fucking band aide on it and make it better," Dumb Fuck 5, staring up the chick's ass, which was currently exposed due to thong malfunctions. He seemed about to say more, but the ass cut him off and pulled him into a deep trance.

"I don't work like that, man. What, are you fucking retarded?" Dumb Fuck 7 said. "How about this. I'll give y'all some of my AIDS-free shit. I love you, brothers, and don't want to lose you. 3's a lost cause, but if I can save the rest of your asses I will!"

So they all went to their mansion on the beach and shot up with cries of "Amen!" and a few hours later, they started talking about asses. It was Dumb Fuck 5 who started the conversation:

"I saw this bitch on the beach today, and I got to thinking, maybe ass-fucking a woman could be like ass-fucking a man," he said contemplatively.

"Shit man, I've tried, but it just ain't the same thing," Dumb Fuck 10 said. "But anyways, guess who I jerked off to today?"

"Your mom," Dumb Fuck 2 chuckled.

"Shut up, dickhead, it was Jesus," Dumb Fuck 10 said.

There was a collective sigh and some appreciative murmuring, even from Dumb Fuck 9.

Dumb Fuck 6 looked over at him sharply. "You sick bastard, that's incest," he said, but as usual, his remark was ignored.

"Man, Jesus was one hot, sexy, sultry motherfucker," Dumb Fuck 2 voiced for them all, his voice rising to a crescendo at the last of his words. "His ass—oh, it gives me a hard-on just thinking about it!"

"I remember this one time I got my dick in there," Dumb Fuck 9 sighed breathily.

"That's fucking incest, you perv!" Dumb Fuck 5 said, revolted.

"I said that earlier just now!" Dumb Fuck 6 sputtered indignantly.

"How many times I gotta say this, no one gives a shit what you say," Dumb Fuck 5 said. "Go on, 9, give us the tale of the fuck."

Dumb Fuck 9's eyes misted over. "I got stoned off his ass at a night club in Jerusalem. That wasn't even enough to get his mind off that ex-Dumb Fuck Judas, Jesus's number one. Ended up raping his ass into the mattress with a paper bag on my head."

"Is that why he had that hemorrhoid shit all around his ass when we took his crack?" Dumb Fuck 11 asked. Dumb Fuck 9 hung his head but did not answer.

"Damn, I wish I could've have had Jesus once like you did," Dumb Fuck 1 said.

"Damn, you ain't got no right to say that shit, you denied his ass when he was hauled in for crucifixion!" Dumb Fuck 7 said.

"So what, I was saving my ass," Dumb Fuck 1 defended himself.

"Forget that shit. Hell, man, I wish I could've passed his gate with permission," Dumb Fuck 8 said. "No penetration without permission, I say. I want the bitch out of free will, and if I'd had my way, that would've been one of the Commandments."

"Hells, yeah! God's such a boring fuck. He wrote about all the shit no one cares about. I mean, what the fuck is with that one about not killing people?" Dumb Fuck 4 said.

Dumb Fuck 5 snorted. "I would've killed that nigger Judas if it weren't for that one."

"At least he offed himself after Jesus kicked the bucket," Dumb Fuck 6 said.

"Damn, my ass is depressed now," Dumb Fuck 1 said. "Let's go see Lazarus and get some of that meth shit."

To all this, Dumb Fuck 3 had to say, "Blajdiknozen."

There was a murmur of agreement, and they went off to their piggy bank to get some money, only to find it was empty.

"Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Dumb Fuck 7. "Our ass is broke."

There was an immediate uproar.

"What the fuck are we going to do now?"

"I needs my fix, bitches!"

"Hell, without money, no hos, let alone fixes!"

That did it. With steely resolve, Dumb Fuck 2 announced, "It's time to invent us another sin and fill the tabloids with shit about Jesus again."

"Yeah, we can send it in to that popular trash magazine, the Bible. Just title them the gospels and they'll take it."

"But what the fuck are we gonna use?" Dumb Fuck 8 asked. "We already used up all that chauvinist shit and smeared that one girl, Mary Magdalene, not to mention all that other shit the Jews already beat us to."

"Goddamn the Jews!" Dumb Fuck 5 exclaimed bitterly. "How the fuck did they pull so much good shit out of their ass?"

They stood for a moment in stumped silence, broken only by Dumb Fuck 3, who murmured some shit like, "Ashtibigaah!"

Then, Dumb Fuck 6 came up with the brilliant idea. "I know, let's slam Judas. Write his kiss off as a sign of betrayal rather than affection. You know, that one liplock they had in that fucking garden, before the Romans took Jesus away and killed his ass. Let's say…that Judas sold Jesus out." Dumb Fuck 6 was working himself into a frenzy, and saw he finally had their attention. "In fact, let's fuck up all the future homos like ourselves so that gay people have to live with the pain we've endured. Let's condemn gayness as a sin!"

"Amen!!!" said Dumb Fuck 5, blinking at 6 in astonishment. "Man, you just made my ass a fortune!"

"Only," said Dumb Fuck 1, "We need some badass name for this shit, not gay sex. How about…"

"Sodomy," Dumb Fuck 3 garbled just then.

"What he said, man," said Dumb Fuck 4. "That's perfect!"

And so it was.


End file.
